Texas Wisdom

One of my jobs which many of you don't know about is that I'm the Editor of
"Ummmmuhummmmmmmmm...on that" which is a collection of utterances from one of my former colleagues. These pearls of Texas Wisdom often defy translation, but as Editor not only do I circulate them, but I also attempt to provide some kind of translation. Here's a couple of classics:

11/?/02: "That question is like asking him if he's the father of his children" Translation: Even if the answer is no, he still has to say yes.

12/02/02: "We're all over that like fur on a weasel." Translation: The matter is progressing.

10/6/04: "Like a hound dog trying to shit a peach stone.” Translation: Trying to extricate himself from the situation he finds himself in is, quite frankly, going to extremely difficult and I expect him to be very vocal in his complaints.

11/19/02: "...you cigarette dicks always coming 'round here complaining 'bout loose pussies..." imparting the wisdom of an old friend who as a police offer patroled a street frequented by hookers. Translation: The problem isn't what you are complaining about it, it's you.

More to follow later.